Strength

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I am strong!

I am tough and spirited!

I am determined enough to meet challenges head on!

I am powerful! Fierce! Indestructible!

Ha!

Nothing can stop me!

Nothing can keep me down!

I will not be slowed down by physical obstacles!

And I most certainly will not be stepped on by such a fool!

No.

Not anymore.

Hah.

And to think they mattered before. To think I let them get to me.

They do NOT matter. I am better than that.

I have the strength.

Things change

-o-

Time had passed

Things had changed

Words were said

Lines were crossed

-o-

Promises broken

Patience was tested

Both hearts were at risk

All hope had been dashed

-o-

The past was missed

Spirits were drained

Memories gone

Nothing remained

-o-

Friendships were ended

Regrets had been made

A love was now lost

A life never saved

-o-

Nightmares and Daydreams

I am an insomniac.

But I sleep to avoid the pain and quickly waste hours away.

I love to dream.

But I am fearful of my dreams coming true as they all have started to.

I want to wake up.

But I always force myself to go back to sleep.

I am afraid to fall asleep.

But I live in a continuous nightmare that I cannot escape.

Forgotten words

Times have changed but I tried to remember the words.

I could never forget your scent
Or your neck so soft
Your heart thumping in your chest
I feel the gentle clutch of your hand in mine
And I can’t speak.

My heart stops still
In a flutter of happiness
When your skin touches mine
I can hear you whispering in my ear
And I can’t think.

Your smile’s so divine
That it melts my very soul
When I see it crawl gently across your face
It can tell a thousand stories
And I can’t move.

Your eyes sparkle
And mine water at the sight
I think over and over - You’re so wonderful
And your voice could kill me
And I can’t breathe.

And your touch could make me cry
You could crush me with just one glance
Cause I love you
I love you.

Thoughts

I'm not waiting for anything. I don't expect anything.

* * *

Never forget to look before you fall again.

* * *

Losing touch, losing faith, losing sight.

Get a grip.

* * *

When there's this much gray, even the black and white become blurred.

* * *

I know if you kissed me now you'd just fool me again.

* * *

The distance between us feels more like a force and less like a reality.

* * *

Lost in a sea of nothing and disdain.

* * *

He's slipping away from us and I can see it before my eyes.

* * *

Perfection-I've felt it, I've known it, I've had it, I've loved it, I've lost it.

* * *

I've watched most of my dreams come true. Now I've seen most of my nightmares too.

* * *

I can hear them calling but I can't work up the courage to answer.

* * *

I miss the moonlight.

* * *

I'm afraid to want, to try, and to care.

* * *

You never loved me.

Quotes

"The first time I saw you, I knew it was true, that I'd love you forever, and that's what I'll do. You don't know what you do to me, you don't have a clue, you don't know what it's like to be, me looking at you."

"After the life we've been through, I know there's no life after you."

“The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.”

"Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking."

"You're the very best part of my life."

"Love, life, meaning; it was over."

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”

"I told you, I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here."

"Wait for me by moonlight, watch for me by moonlight, I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."

"Oh dear. You've been through so much recently, hurt and betrayed, so twisted up inside. You're still full of love. But fear has moved in where trust should be."

"Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this."

"Music is moonlight in the gloomy night of life."

"Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry."

"If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will."

"If the sun and moon should doubt, they immediately go out."

"When a heart is on fire, sparks always fly out of the mouth."

"Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it."

"When you put your hand in a flowing stream you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come."

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Pulse

The pulsing. It waves through me. I can hear every beat.

The air. It rushes from me. I can't breathe.

The pain. It's tears at me. I can feel nothing besides it.

The room. It spins around me. I can't focus.

The light. It fades away from me. I'm blacking out.

The heart. It pounds harder inside of me. I can't stand it.

This life. It strangles me. I want out.

I miss you

It's not that I miss him.

I don't.

But I miss what he said.

I miss what he did.

I miss what he wanted.

It's not that I miss him.

Because I don't.

But I miss the way he treated me.

I miss the way he held my hand.

I miss the way he kissed me.

It's not that I miss him.

I really do not.

But I miss how he'd talk to me all day.

I miss how he'd tell me everything.

I miss how he'd hold me tight.

It's not that I miss him.

There's not a chance.

But I miss him needing me.

I miss him wanting me forever.

I miss him loving me.

It's not that I miss him.

I promise you I don't.

But I miss who he used to be.

The meaning of life

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
Henry Ellis

-If only letting go wasn't killing me. To be living, I need to hold on. So why isn't that an option?

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
William James

-This becomes a problem when you can't bring yourself to believe that.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
Friedrich Nietzsche

-My reason why I'm living? Because life won't let go of me. No matter how much I beg. I don't think how I live is even a question to be considered right now.

Life has meaning only if one barters it day by day for something other than itself.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

-I'm trying, I really am. I think of Breanna often and how much she needs me. And my family, I guess they'd be hurt too if... And I have so many friends. But it'd hard to imagine that they wouldn't be okay without me. I try to barter for everyone else, because I don't for myself, but it's not the same as it used to be or it should be. It's not at all. And I know meaning. My life was once so filled with it.

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

-It's too late. I am a victim. I am nothing.

Only a few things are really important.
Marie Dressler

-And I understand what they are. I try my best to focus on those. But sometimes they push themselves away from me. This is when life becomes unbearable.

Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies.
Erich Fromm

-The problem is that it's addicting. I want that extreme happiness and bliss I had for months before everything fell apart. I want to go back to when the days were bright, money was not an issue, my heart beat regularly, my best friend was still my best friend forever, and I could smile a real smile.

While there's life, there's hope.
Marcus Tullius Cicero

-I can only hope that's true. ;)

Death by heartache

It is written, death by heartache.

Tortured until her final breath,

Lost and betrayed, even in death.

Strangled by the thoughts in her head,

Pulled apart and torn into shreds,

But no one knows now that she's dead.

Crushed hopes and pain shown through lament,

Inspiration is lost, hope spent.

Anguish leads this awful descent,

The future holds only torment.

Over's the life she lived so fake,

She only dreamed to not awake.

Now there's nothing left in her wake,

Deceived by her favorite mistake,

It is written, death by heartache.

But today her body lives on.

Only her heart and soul are gone.

All life's meaning is now forgone,

Insomniac until the dawn.

She tries hard to force a smile,

Hasn't dreamed in quite a while.

Nothing to make this life worthwhile.

It's over now, the deed is done,

It looks to me like he has won.

It is written, death by heartache.

240am